“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
― Winston Churchill
Have you ever felt like you were going through hell with no choice but to continue?
Struggles, difficulties, changes, crisis…. the daily reality of single parenthood. For the sake of your children, to keep their well-being and give a sense of stability to your little family, you have no choice but to continue. The well-being of your children depends on your ability to overcome difficulties. The faster the better. You should be able to adapt to the changes quickly, otherwise they will suffer.
I can’t count the number of times I cried because I was worried: what if I lost my job? Who will take care of my son if something happens to me? How am I going to pay my mortgage this month? Who will take care of him after school if I’m late? But crying never solved a problem. So, at some point I just had to stop my tears and find a solution, keep going.
What to do? How to do? Who can I call? It never seems to stop … there are always questions, issues, challenges as a single parent, and it’s exhausting over time. It is essential to build your resilience knowing that if you collapse it would be a disaster for your children. Their life is already disrupted, and you don’t want to add more drama. Either way, your children should never see your distress, your uncertainties, it can affect them for life!
Being resilient is a vital necessity for single parents. However, resilience is not a trampoline, where you go down one moment and go up the next. It takes time and mental strength to develop, it takes continuous improvement and effort. Are you wondering what to do to build your resilience?
Here are the 3 keys to become more resilient:
1- Strategic planning: Be proactive!
It’s a fact that single parents always have a lot on their plate: school activities, work, parenting issues, personal finance issues, relationships, etc. There are so many things that require your attention as a single parent that you are overwhelmed most of the time. You can’t do everything; you have to prioritize!!!
I remember how my credit rating went from a high rate of 780 to 560 in just one year. I had to travel a lot for my business that year and it was a constant stress to find someone to take care of my son while I was away. During this period, I completely forgot to pay my credit card balance on time. I did not have a specific goal at the time and was not aware of the impact of late payments on my credit rating. It was when I decided to buy a house and make a plan out of it that I realized how bad my credit rating was and how far I was from achieving my dream. I started making a strategic plan, making a budget, tracking my expenses, learning more about personal finances. I made a lot of sacrifices, drastically cutting back on spending to pay off debt, rebuild my credit, and save for a down payment. It took me two years, but I finally got where I wanted: I bought my house on June 15, 2020 (unforgettable!) during the pandemic and I was so proud of myself!
Without a good strategic plan, I couldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t even have realized how bad my situation was and if something worse than a debt had happened that time around like losing my job I would have been in a very critical situation because I was not prepared.
You need to be clear about what you want, where you are, where you want to go and what is missing. This will allow you to plan accordingly how you are going to get there and achieve your goals. You do not know where to start? Read this article to learn more about the 4 steps that will help you develop your own strategic plan.
Take the time to regularly identify your dreams, set your goals, and review your progress over time. This will help you prioritize and identify the areas you need to focus on. Strategic planning puts your dreams into context and allows you to turn them into concrete actions and success stories. There are always surprises in the life of a single parent, but at least you will be well prepared for what is to come, and you will be able to better respond not only to challenges but also to opportunities.
2- Emotional intelligence: Build up your emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence (or emotional quotient: EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions to relieve stress, communicate effectively, resolve conflicts, and empathize with others. Emotional intelligence is vital for single parents as they are likely to be exposed to stress, conflict, communication and relationship issues.
I tend to think that EQ is even more important than IQ (intelligence quotient). I’m living proof that the smartest people aren’t the most successful or the most fulfilled in life. I have always been academically brilliant, always in my books, studying and having good grades, but I was not used to going out socially. When I first started dating, my relationships were a disaster and I ended up being a single parent. At work, I was socially inept and often stayed alone during lunch breaks or office parties or was the last to hear about the changes coming. It’s hard to admit it but my intellectual abilities didn’t help in my personal life and until I started working on my emotional intelligence I felt that my life was not fulfilling at all, despite the right job, the right salary, etc. I have improved a lot since then, but the first step is awareness.
Controlling your emotions is essential for quickly adapting to changing circumstances and developing strong relationships. You will be able to receive disturbing information, control impulsive feelings and behaviors without letting them override your thoughts and decision-making.
A single parent cannot lose control, it is not an option. You must continue even if you are overwhelmed, tired, depressed… Either way, your children need you and you must be there for them. Increasing your emotional intelligence will help you develop your social and self-control skills, and you will be more resilient.
The good thing is that you can learn and improve your EQ over time. It’s never too late.
3 – “Treat yourself”: Take time for yourself!
To treat yourself means do things that you love, indulge yourself, spoil yourself and yourself only. You can do anything; it just needs to be something for your own enjoyment!
There is usually a long list of things to do in a typical single parent day. And if you are not careful, a whole day will end without doing something you really love.
I love reading. I realized that since I was a single parent, I barely had the time to finish a book. The same goes for music, I love to listen to and bring up those crazy moves. However, in an ordinary day I have so much to do, that I usually tell myself that I will do what I love later, and before I realize, it is already time to go to bed. Every day it was the same scenario… until my son asked me why I was not laughing anymore. I was so stressed out with what I had to do just because I was necessary, that I was forgetting myself in the process. Since then, I decided to take 15mn each day, just to treat myself; Do whatever I like for my own pleasure. Just listening to my preferred song of Michael Jackson is enough to make me smile and it takes only 5 minutes. It is working quite well and allows me to keep some balance and keep my smile up … It was important for my son; it was important for me too.
Taking time to indulge yourself, putting yourself first is very important, especially for single parents who have so many responsibilities. Your wellbeing is essential in developing resilience. You are less likely to be depressed, experience anger or other negative feelings when you are in a good mood and able to do the things you love. In addition, the way you feel has a significant impact on the well-being of your children, the happier you are, the happier they will be.
These 3 elements are keys to strengthening your resilience. Make sure you take the time to work on it. It is important for you. It is important for your children.
Share with us in the comments what are your strategies to become more resilient.
Contact us at coaching@sparentinginstyle.com if you need coaching on working on your resilience or just want to share your personal experience.
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